Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: Disorientated Feelings (Part 36)

21 February 2011

Disorientated Feelings (Part 36)

So here I am, walking towards the old computer my child seemed so interested in. This odd disability of not being allowed to know the very children I gave birth to is hindering my job as their mother: anything about them seemed censored when it reaches my mind and their father doesn't understand my problem.

Saeko: "So here's the old computer that **** was interested in... opps, I think the name might have sounded censored to you, but you know which child I'm referring to. Anyways, let's see if we can run this thing."

Saeko pointed to the computer I used until the end of middle school. Saeko looked as though she's warning me about something that she can't say in front of my child, but, given the current situation, bringing me away from my child just to talk about it is not an option either. I can't blame her since there are several computers in the house, and them asking was unexpected.

There's a video file on the desktop (first screen you see when it's done loading) that shows me being tortured before being pushed onto an oncoming train, killing me. It's from an altered future when I first watched it. My child would think that I'm a ghost as it's from the angle of a security camera with the time and date of the winter of my third high school year, which has long passed.

Saeko: "Let's see. Plug in some of these wires and... oh! This uses the old wired internet cable instead of the wireless ones, but it would access the internet of the present time instead of from when your parents were younger anyway, which the computer might not be capable of."

She was talking to my child, whom, except for their presence, I can't see or hear.

The way Saeko is holding the computer is unusual. After a while, she seems to be nudging at me to pull away the plug from her hand, which looked as though she's actually holding it but for an unusually long time. From what I know, she can't take it off herself if someone else plugged into her, or if there is data or power being transferred. I'm guessing the last option because she's holding the power plug, and her body could be used like a battery too. Computers that are plugged in consumes power, even though it's not turned on.

Hold on... if they had load her with a lot of data to make her very smart, there might be something on her that might have clues about the me I don't know of. Now is not the right time for it, and it needs some planning.

Saeko: "Now, lets turn this and see if it still works!"

There was excitement and a hint of nervousness in her voice. She was the one who uploaded the video file in the first place during my 16th birthday, along with some time-traveling skill of hers. The time she came from is the year later.

Unlike the instantaneous boot time of current (2021) computers, this one took a few minutes and are somewhat noisy, not to mention that bulky screen. I had forgotten how painful they were to look at. When it was new, it was considered sleek and was revolution to the computers that came before it.

To my surprise, nothing that I feared to see happened. In fact, I was more surprised to see photos that I thought were only taken with a film camera by my birth family that looked as though it was taken with a digital image capturing device. Older photos I downloaded that only exist as grainy black and white or paintings/drawings of places now looked as though someone has traveled from the future as, in terms of clarity and colour vibrancy, is comparable to those taken, at earliest, 15 years ago.

Once it was all over and with the child hopefully away now, I approached Saeko.

Me: "How did you do that?"

Saeko: "Well, it's simply sending electrical signals in a certain manner so that the files could be modified without booting up. So... do you have something for me?"

Me: "Nothing except preparing for tonight's dinner."

I should not raise the topic of accessing the data in her since somebody from headquarters could be monitoring what Saeko is seeing or hearing. She's aware of it, but can't block it without impairing herself as they are directly connected to her senses and thoughts. She may be immortal, but she's so helpless on being attacked to the extent of not being able to defend herself, let alone attack back. The odd part about this is that she could neither be killed nor commit suicide, no matter how badly she wants to from all the mental torture she is made to through. What kind of immortality is that?!

Saeko: "Oh, before I forget, the files that were hidden from your **** could be accessed with your user account that is encrypted should your **** become smart enough to come across it if it's not."

The censored parts I'm hearing this time seems to be a gender specific term to refer to my child, like "daughter" or "son", but which one? It's this stupid curse that doesn't let me know my own child. How do I explain this problem if I'm the only one experiencing this?

Saeko: "Oh, and while I was tinkering this old computer of yours, I had found some encrypted data addressed to you from our... I mean you and Itsuki's high school principal, looking at the context of the file names. I've only decrypted them and not checked what it contains exactly, but the date as part of the file info is certainly not today. You might want to check as soon as possible, especially if it's his will or something."

Saeko left the room to prepare dinner. What did that late school principal wanted to tell me? There are several files, but they do seem as though they should be opened in the order specified.

When I looked at the first few lines, I knew something was strange about it.
The same girl whom I mentioned in the discussion before you had your 16th birthday had tinkered the computer right in front of you. Of course, you should know that that girl's soul is of the boyfriend you brought to that party I mentioned earlier, and the body he left behind is occupied by someone else. If your boyfriend had not "cloned" himself while in the body of his other self in that dimension (who was born as a girl as you might have guessed), and the actions of a crazy friend of mine, that boyfriend of yours might have been able to return to his original body. The irreversible damage was when he returned to the original dimension while still in the body of the female clone: a new entity had to be made in order to be able to exist there as he wasn't in the same body as when he left. That could be avoided if he merged back with the other self before returning back. As for how your boyfriend remained to appear and behave as a 16 year old girl after all this years, ask that crazy friend of mine, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. All these years in a girls' body for about as long as between before it all happened and his birth, only memories are all that's left of his former self now. Also, for the lower body, she can't wear anything other than a skirt that's  no longer than above the knee level and can't have anything except her upper clothing covering it. Anything that's worn between the legs or not showing her femininity gets repelled as soon as she even tries wearing it. It was what she was unable to wear that caused the major redesign of the Mizuho uniform after decades from its founding. It did cause her to be sent to Kamisugi High while plans were going about as to what to do before the idea of a uniform redesign came out, and the planning of how it works.

There's nothing I don't know about in here except for the confirmation as to who exactly is this Saeko that I've been taking care of. What she had always been wearing didn't come across my mind until it was mentioned: I thought Saeko liked wearing those, but it turns out to be the only types she could wear at all. Saeko has been forced to behave and adapt something she's not even used to at day one to the extent of, except her memories, nothing left of her former self. She has resemblance to Itsuki's parents, but not Itsuki himself.

Oh? I've got the reading order wrong. I was so interested about Saeko.

I know I've promised to answer you the truth about you within a year after you graduated, but unfortunately, I "died" during that period.

What's with the quotes around the word die? Is he saying that he is still alive, but as someone else? Perhaps as something that has no relationship with his former self?

The me that your classmates saw is indeed me, but further from the future than the me writing this. Those who did saw the body noticed that I suddenly looked older, as though I had taken some chemical that made me age rapidly that I had eventually "died". The truth behind how I'm still alive is me wearing something that pauses my body's age, and some time traveling, but even I don't know how old the me that died due to some ruling that involves not letting the past self see the future self, and with the reverse being allowed. I might have been a hundred, two hundred or even nine thousand years old, and yet died with an 85-year-old body. If you wish to find me, an attached video would give you a hint.

He's living a very long life now, with his whereabouts unknown. From the description, his body's aging would resume once the said clothing is removed, and not quickly becoming his actual age. What's this video that he mentioned of anyway?

Part 35Part 37
Edited: 6 March 2011

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中野区, 東京都, Japan
帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.