Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: September 2012

30 September 2012

Teary Promise (Part 16)

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With the overseas school trip behind us, I am hoping to put behind the bad memory of being very lost and crying about it behind. I try to remember the other things about the trip, but that scary moment of being lost is hard to mentally disassociate with the trip.

I wished I had not become so scared and frightened back then, but that was how I reacted naturally to the situation. Looking back, I should have been able to keep calm, but my body felt fear that became a part of my emotions before I was even able to think of keeping calm. You might have heard from my brother about how much we both look and think alike that we are practically twins, and how we eventually grew to be different.

My current behavior is completely different from how I behaved when I was younger, and I'm very much aware of that. I don't like how girls behave, but the problem here is I am biologically a girl myself and there's some kind of unbreakable mental barrier that is forcing me to not be able to behave any other way.

How did this confusion with myself happen? You see, since before I knew anything, I was copying my brother in whatever he did. One day, our parents arrived home (at the capital city back then) from work, but they couldn't tell us apart because of how similar we are. I know enough about my brother to be able to answer questions by people who mistook me for him, and vice versa. Since there were no uniforms in primary school, it was quite easy to do so. It was because of this, I was brought up looking and thinking I was a boy and my brother's twin.

The similarities ended when I entered middle school with my brother: I found myself wearing the female uniform and my brother was wearing the male version. I thought mum made a mistake as I thought it was supposed to be similar to what my brother was wearing. It felt like I was cross dressing, but nobody saw anything weird with it.

When I first saw my middle school uniform that mum bought for me, the first female clothing I wore, I thought mum was making fun of me as it was different from my brother's, who was also in the same school. As I saw myself as a boy back then, I was somewhat angry about why I have to cross-dress and how girly it looked, and how very different from the male version. It had the ribbon instead of a tie and had a skirt that is a lot shorter than the pants for the male version. My mum used whatever excuse to make me to wear them, including being able to hide things under my skirt and yet appear to not be hiding anything until they look underneath, which itself (according to mum) is a big social taboo. I don't remember how I ended up wearing it in the end, but I'm sure "because you are a girl" wasn't one of those reasons.

It wasn't until later that my body grew in completely different ways from my brother. I thought I had cancer growing at my chest, which get irritating and heavy while trying to move myself to the point that I wanted them removed badly: it's making everything I do uncomfortable. They made my old shirt tight and uncomfortable to wear even though they are of my size. The only clothing I felt comfortable wearing since then was only my school uniform... and female clothes that I'm reluctant to wear due to its feminine design, but those are now the only kind of clothes that best fits me and could wear comfortably.

I asked mum about it as she works at a hospital around middle school year 2 when they become quite obvious, but that was when she gave me the bad news: she told me that I am a girl and the "cancer" growing on my chest are actually breasts, which even mum has. She added that it would be abnormal for a female if I didn't develop breasts by the time I enter high school. Her assurance that it isn't life-threatening doesn't ease me either. That obviously means that I'm stuck with these weights for the rest of my life. It was also at this point that I started to see myself as a girl and surrendered to the feminine feelings that were growing stronger inside me, though I was hesitant about it. I guess it's hard to resist natural feelings.

How did I use the toilet if I didn't see myself as a girl until very recently? Ones in houses are mixed, and, in middle school, I observed that other students who wear the same uniform as me always enter the one with a red symbol with the shape of the skirt similar to what we are all wearing. I only saw it as toilet for people who wear skirts more than as a toilet for females only. I have to admit that I have entered the boys toilet before and even tried using the urinal (no such thing in the female toilet), but my body is not designed for it and forced to sit at the cubicle to be able to pee without making a mess, but the ones with the washlets installed, like at department stores, make me glad that I am a girl as I can clean my bottom easily without getting my hands dirty.

Over time, the female emotions developing inside me overwrote my behavior. I still know how I used to behave, but I am unable to behave like how I used to. Its like my behavior has degraded from that of a brave boy to a shy girl who gets emotional easily. I don't know how or why my behaviour has changed so dramatically when there are other girls older than me who still behave boisterously.

I am aware that there are many boys who stare at me, but I chose to ignore them because my tomboyish mind tells me that boys likes to look at pretty girls, which increases their self-morale or something. Being a girl myself means that I feel nothing when I see other girls and get attracted to boys. I would like to say that my tomboyish mind would have me feeling confused, but I never fell in love with anyone outside the family back then, and by the time I fall in love with Takuya, the female instincts had already taken over me. Although, the void left behind by Takuya's death left me blind on how to live on without him just how strong my love to him was. It's so strong that I actually went emotional about it and couldn't think rationally.

24 September 2012

627th post: Tumblr blog

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I have created a Tumblr blog somewhere in July, but never get around to announce its launch.

I have been aware of tumblr for quite some time prior to joining it but I didn't really know what it was about. I tried various themes and some modification of those to see how that would fit.

What you are seeing now is the third theme I have used that allows me to show multiple reposts at ones and auto-scale the images at random, but in the order I reblogged them, so that there is little wasted space. However, it doesn't handle video and audio well if they are not at the top.

The previous layout did allow me to manually adjust the size, and even as large as the whole screen or the original image size (whichever is smaller). The problem with that is that it only shows the first image of a photo set unless viewed individually.

I may change again due to the video / audio problem, but finding one that you can scroll without ever needing to click on a "next page" link and infinitely scrolling down until the very first post can be challenging.

What do I put in here? Mostly reposts of what other people I'm following has  posted. Images I post to Instagram do appear here too. You could say it's an image-intensive version of this blog and is updated more frequent that this blog, but less frequent than twitter.

18 September 2012

Teary Promise: Brother's Side

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My name is Isaka Tsukasa (井阪一), 2nd year student of Kobayagawa High School. Although there's nothing wrong with the characters of my name, I don't like my parents for choosing Tsukasa as a way to pronounce it, as it sounds like a girl's name to me. I prefer my friends to call me Hitoshi instead, which can also be written with the same character, so they would never suspect that until a relative call me by my name in front of my friends who are used to the other name.

I am a member of the chess club that forms one of the many small clubs in the school, and not much large ones. This is partially because joining a club itself in my school is not mandatory. The larger clubs are typically pretty much what you would expect any school would have: art, music, swimming, baseball, soccer, and so on.

This school is an average school with several other schools in this city: including Kamisugi High (上杉高校) and Kaisei Junior High (海星中学). The well-known Mizuho Girls' Academy (瑞穂女子学園) is also part of the city, but the massive size of their campus, along with the state-of-the-art facilities it has, the academy campus seem like it's a city on its own. It is hard to describe what Mizuho is like, but it's like entering a different world. I would talk about my encounter with Mizuho later.

If it weren't for Mizuho Academy and the headquarters of the well known Powell Research company, this city would just simply be just another insignificant city. I heard that where Powell's headquarters used to be an abandoned mansionette that existed long before the city itself was established. That building still exists as where the office of the big boss (aka the founder) is located. They have a general hospital at the outer edges of the land.

The windows around where that office would be looked like the only untouched part of the building during the major interior revamp, but people who have been to her office said that the only windows there are facing the corridor on the opposite side, and no sign of the mysterious room. People that worked at night added that lights from there were sometimes seen turned on.

According to my mother, who works there, the founder of the company is regularly seen wearing the uniform of the high school section of Mizuho Academy, but was seen wearing the Kamisugi High (another school in the city) uniform the year before. She probably transferred because her potential would be better utilized at Mizuho instead of Kamisugi. Kamisugi is a typical high school like mine.

For a company that only employs college graduates or higher, it's hard to believe that it was founded by a young girl that is currently still in high school. Judging by the year the company was founded, that would mean that she was still in primary school at that time, but records say she was in middle school. That would make her the youngest person to have founded a company, which itself has grown to be quite well known all over.

This city might not be as great as the capital city I grew up in, but even its average school is considered better than at the town where I live now. You see, I travel four hours daily just for school to get there and back. The schools at the town I live doesn't seem to have a good school, as evident by the behaviour and attire of the students of those schools. My family felt that it might not be good to be sent to a school in the town.

I moved into this town with my family during the break between my first and second year of middle school due to dad's work. At first, it was at the neighbouring town by the beach, but my mother became worried over huge tidal waves that we moved further inland to where we live now. I wasn't really sure if she was overreacting about it. Well, that is what my memory tells me, because I felt that things that happened 3 or more years ago never happened, but it's probably my imagination.

I'm not the only child in the family: I have a younger sister that is about a year younger than me that attends the same school. We are very much like twins and close siblings that we don't call each other by name. Our parents had a hard time telling each other part. It wasn't until when my sister entered middle school (shortly after we moved from the city) where our gender differences became more apparent and affected how we saw each other.

We behave very much like each other, or rather, she behaved like me. Our primary school did not have any uniforms and, until recently, she never wore female clothes because she wanted to dress like me. Our friends often mistake me for the other and vice versa, and be able to get away with it because we could answer and do things that was meant for the other.

Although the middle school I attended for my first year had a uniform, her boyish behaviour meant that she saw herself as a boy instead of a girl and didn't see my uniform as something only males wear. Her middle school uniform was the first girlish clothing she (had to) wear and wondered why it looked so different from mine (apart from having the same colours) that is also for the same school that has pants, while she wears a skirt instead. To her, wearing female clothing is like cross-dressing as she is so used to male things, behaving like a boy, and apart from mom's things, never used or own anything that was specifically designed for girls only.

At first, my sister never thought much about the unfamiliar female clothing, apart from seeing it as cross-dressing, as it was bought by our mother and probably thought it was for people to tell her apart from me. However, as time passed, she had a rude shock with the changes to our bodies: My voice became deeper and was growing taller, but she instead grew breasts (it's bigger now) and experienced pain every month while peeing out blood. Her male-like mind made her confused on what is happening to her body, and why her body is growing so differently from me, who she saw as a twin who is supposed to look alike.

Thinking that it was a disease, and still thinking she was a boy, she thought her body had a growth defect and believed that her breasts were tumors to the point of wanting to get rid of them. She even complained that her old clothes and the (male) clothes of her size that she tried out were getting tighter and tighter to the point of being uncomfortable. Sometimes, she doesn't bath or change clothes simply because she doesn't want to see her breasts or feel the senses from it by just the slightest touch to it because the skin there is quite sensitive to the point of feeling aroused. Even mum says that she herself feels the same. In the end, she had to be persuaded by me or mum to do so. Higher chance of it working if it's me because of how close we are.

She grew up thinking too much like a boy that it almost seemed as if my sister, from her point of view, had her gender changed and was feeling senses that are quite alien to her. As her brother, I can assure you my sister has been a girl since birth, though it might be my fault for brainwashing her into thinking she is a boy, but I was very young and, me being the older brother and her copying me, I never saw what I was doing back then as something only boys do. Even my parents were clueless as to how to raise me and my sister, and actually left me to take care of her when they saw her following and copying me, who doesn't know how girls should behave and instead had her adapt my male behavior. She faithfully copied me until she reached puberty when she got confused as what she think she was is completely different from what she is.

My sister kept denying of being a girl and still want to be like me, until she realized that only female clothes are able to accomodate her growing breasts comfortably, which includes the middle school uniform she has been wearing all the time.

As of High School now, she seemed to have given in to the female feelings in her and accepting the fact that she is a girl and not a boy she was raised to think. She doesn't blame me for it as she saw the effort I had put into raising her, and having nothing but myself for reference. However, she is still attached to me that it makes finding a girlfriend difficult. We do still think alike, but it's impossible for either of us to pass off as one another other than as text.

I don't know what she does when she's not around me, apart from heading to a secluded beach near home. Although she still says that she doesn't like being a girl, her behavior is slowly progressing from an energetic boy to a shy young lady. It's amazing how quickly a person can change their personality and not notice it themselves without looking back.


So, what is this great deal about me and Mizuho? Well, it started with my chess club competing with other schools in the prefecture. My clubroom only has some cheap and massed produced chest set made out of the same cardboard on packages for the board, and the same kind of plastic used for bottles, only harder. Nobody thought the cheapest chess set would be this cheap in quality. Nowhere near the quality that would be used in competition. However, the club is being realistic by competing with other schools at community places or, if proper facilities are available, at their school. Mizuho is one of those schools big enough to even hold several competition-level events. That academy is a really rich school that even the second most famous school in the city is nowhere this big both in terms of land size and number of students.

The first time I entered Mizuho, I was amazed with how huge it is, and how futuristic the place looked compared with just the outside. I was told that the technology to achieve it had already existed that aren't widely used yet. Everyone I saw in there were girls wearing many different uniforms who all have the identically huge breasts that were larger than any female I know of. It was like a boy's paradise here. It never occurred to me at that time on what me and my club members looked like, but the students there did correctly identify us as students from Kobayagawa High, and I do remember everyone introducing themselves.

However, after the competition with Mizuho, I realized that my student pass had gone missing. I don't know when or where it happened, and I had cover huge distances in the campus since entering that it would be an uphill task to trace back my steps. The receptionist told me that they would find it and told me to collect it in the morning, giving me enough time to reach my school on time. I guess people loose things quite often, and I guess the person who goes on patrol would forward things they found to the lost item counter at the end of their shift.

Because I have to be back at the counter before heading to school, I was also told that I could stay at the dormitories of the academy for as long as I like by simply occupying any vacant room for as long as I like without paying any rent or fees. Of course, I told my parents that I'm staying elsewhere closer to school so that the time otherwise spent traveling to and from home would be better used for my studies. Rooms that are occupied are displayed. Maybe I could use this place as a place to stay since travelling to and from home is very long. It feels like I could study and do my homework better with this atmosphere at the campus. No wonder so many people who graduated from Mizuho are quite smart. It's because of that so many wanted to enter the school, which itself caused the entrance test to be just below Tokyo University in terms of difficulty. Although the academy could take in a lot of people, being popular means that it could be taken up quickly, and are sorted according to rank in the tests if there are more people than places.

The dormitories are scattered all over the academy, and are not gender segregated. All are designed for up to four people, but most of the occupied rooms I walked past only have one or two people in it. The interior of the one I chose is like a nice hotel and the room temperature is maintained around 25℃ regardless of the external temperature. Strangely enough, there is no toilet or bathtub provided. What seemed like the toilet had some unfamiliar looking fixtures in it that I don't know what it's for, or how to use them.


Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I noticed on the train to school the following day, that I had collected the wrong student ID! I could see why I had easily made this mistake: it belonged to a girl who attends the same school as me, and even had the same way of writing and pronouncing the name as me. At a glance, everything on this card looks like the same as mine, with the only glaring exception being the photo on the student ID.

Since this belonged to a student of my school, it would be common sense for me to bring it to my school's lost and found counter the first thing before heading for lunch. However...

Receptionist: "What are you talking about? The photo on this student is you of course. Why are you reporting your own student ID as lost when you are holding it in your own hands?"

Not wanting to argue, I walked away and kept it with me, wondering what to do with this student ID with a glaringly obvious picture of a girl with the gender stated as female. Everyone I asked also thinks that it belongs to me. Is it me who is seeing things?

As I sighed while eating lunch, a beautiful girl came to sit opposite me. I didn't see her coming as she came from behind. I don't understand why she chose to sit at my table directly opposite me when there are tables with empty seats elsewhere in the cafeteria. However, I do admit that she looks attractive, and, come to think of it, she does have quite a resemblance to the unknown girl on the ID with me, but not exactly like the girl in the photo...

Girl: "Hi there! I need to seat with someone so that my friends would not find me as easily than if I were to sit by myself."

Wait, I should keep this thing before she talks about it. Who is this girl? I've never seen her before. Her presence is making my heart beat faster. Is this a potential girlfriend who is making her move first?

Me: "Um, sure! G-Go on."

An awkward silence soon followed. I'm too nervous to say anything. She looks like a first year, so maybe she isn't in any club yet.

Me: "Er... I'm with the chess club. You seem to be a first year and our club is kind of small in the number of members. Do you know how to play chess?"

Her facial expression tells me that she wasn't interested in chess, but does know something about it.

Girl: "I only know the western chess, but I do get defeated very quickly when I play. No one pointed out where I did wrong. I don't intend to join a club because traveling time to head back home and doing homework alone is taking too much of my time outside lesson time. I intend to score good grades."

Her mentioning not being in a club because she lives far away from school sounds awfully familiar. However, the conversation was awkwardly ended there as neither of us said anything until I finished my meal. I don't know why she didn't get up and leave in that span of time, but her presence and appearance as an attractive girl is infatuating me.

Girl: "Well, it looks like my friends might have given up searching for me by now. I had fun talking to..."

I really want her to be my girlfriend. I don't know when the next opportunity would come because it's rare for a girl to approach guys first. I have to say it now. She had been patiently waiting for me to finish my meal before saying that, which clearly means she doesn't have friends waiting for her as she never looked at the time or anywhere else besides me and my food, on top of being empty tables around us. A clear sign she was interested in me.

Me: "Will you go out with me? Tell me you name, or at least where I can find you."

Her face tells me that I had said certain keywords that she has been waiting for me to say. She seemed happy, which means it is now guaranteed that she will be my girlfriend.

Girl: "Oh? I didn't? Well, I'm usually in my classroom for about 15 minutes after the last bell to prepare for my long way home... maybe we should give our email address while we figure everything out. By the way, I'm..."

She started doing her hair as she was saying that for some reason. The hairstyle she is doing looked awfully familiar, like I have seen it several times before.

Girl (in a different tone): "...Inami. Inami Yumiko. Your own younger sister."

Huh? This perfectly attractive girl who has been attracting me was my own sister?! She's totally unrecognisable from what I'm used to from as recent as just yesterday morning. How did this formerly tomboyish shy little sister of mine became like an attractive young lady overnight? Was it something I said to her? Like, not relying on me too much that made her change? Why is she doing this to me?

Sister: "Sorry, I was trying to see if you could recognize me with my new look, but since you didn't, I might as well give you a taste of what it's like when a girl walks up to you on her own, something that won't be like the real thing if you knew who I was."

That was her little test to see if I could recognize her with her new look?! I've been fooled: women can really look completely different.

Sister: "Us thinking alike means what I know about my own weaknesses would also work on you. Sorry... You raised me like a boy since before I knew anything, and that male way of thinking got me very confused when my body got increasingly feminine. I know I used to be so energetic and yelling with the other boys like equals, but I subconsciously became a shy girl that finds it difficult to look at boys. I'm still the same me as back then that can think the same way as you. Me trying to behave like a boy like I used to could trigger certain female instincts in me that makes it hard for me to be able to think. As much as I hate behaving like a girl myself, that is sadly what I am biologically, and what society expects me to behave."


Later that day, I showed my sister that card. She seemed amazed as if she can't believe what she's seeing, but the last thing I would expect her to say from all that curiosity is what all the others has said: "Isn't this yours?". However, as she was saying that, she wore the expression on her face that suggests that those words aren't what she wanted to say and hinting to me that the card might be cursed. Either way, I came home that day to take my stuff to the Mizuho dormitory from the following morning onwards.


While unpacking my things, my knee bumped into some furniture. I never thought much about it as it wasn't painful at all, until I realized that my skin just had direct contact with the object. I was puzzled at first because I could still feel my uniform's pants being worn at my waist, but as I walked around, I could feel that the bottom of it rubbing against my lower thigh. None of the shorts I have ever worn is that short or this much airy.

As I looked down to see what happened to my pants, something else caught my attention: I have two round mounds forcing through from underneath my uniform shirt around my chest, which made an otherwise loose shirt becoming a tight fit. Why do I have it? These things are embarrassingly huge and they oddly feel a part of my body that I don't think it could be removed at all. I tried to have a closer look, but I was unable to unbutton it, which was when I also realized that the buttons are on the opposite side with no button at my collar. Looking further down, I saw myself wearing a skirt instead of pants, which explains what I felt while walking. What on earth happened to me? How did I not notice it earlier?

I've gotten used to seeing girls wearing skirts of this length before, but now I'm wearing it myself, it feels like I'm wearing nothing! The idea of feeling nothing being worn even though I appear to be wearing something is an alien concept to me. Even as I sat down trying to figure out what was going on, I found myself automatically holding the back of my skirt before sitting down and my legs to either criss-cross each other, or stuck together and leaning to a side. (Was I sub-consciously doing that during chess practice yesterday?) Even with that, my skirt barely covered my legs from the cold surface of the chair I sat on. Do girls really face these problems with their skirts a lot? If so, why do I see them wearing it a lot and not complaining? In fact, every single person I saw in Mizuho wears only skirts that are actually shorter than what I'm wearing.

Despite the very strong feminine things in my sight and mind, I never felt my male thing growing big and rock hard, which usually happens when I think too much of female things. As I found out, I don't have such a thing on my body and, in its place, felt a tightly shut slit that goes inside me. Do all girls have this too? I hate to admit, but not having a male thing there actually makes me feel more comfortable wearing a skirt and having my legs together.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw the face of the girl on the student ID from yesterday staring back at me, wearing the female version of my school uniform similar to what I see myself wearing now. There was no one else besides her that is visible in the mirror I was looking at, which I found strange as I did not see myself on it. I moved myself and saw that girl doing the exact same thing as me. She looked pretty attractive, if only she could be... WAIT! THAT GIRL IN THE MIRROR IS ME?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

Did me and my club members look like this when we came into Mizuho yesterday? I never paid attention, but I did notice that every single person in this huge campus is female. I don't know how or why, but I don't have much time now to make it to my school on time.

So, that student ID with me yesterday really was mine. The unknown girl was really the me as I am now. I now look more like a near-identical version of my sister than my male self. If they recognize the female photo of me as me in my male self, would they not notice that I've been turned into a girl when I turn up for class? I don't have the time to figure out how to turn back!

At class, my classmates noticed and greeted me. Besides the usual people, there are more female classmates than male who greeted me. The fact that they weren't shocked on seeing me means that my classroom and school never changed: they didn't notice that I am a girl now, or they thought I had always been one. It's hard to tell which gender I am being treated as, though my best friend did have a different body language: looking at me a lot, but not at my face. At the chess club, we did talked about yesterday's practice match at Mizuho Academy, but there was no mention of being turned into girls, and neither did I see anything different with the club members who were there (or at least, what my memory is telling me).

Several days has passed since it happened, but I still have yet to figure out how to be turned back. I did not return home or, except in text form, never talked to my sister. She doesn't mind me staying at Mizuho dormotories, but it can get suspicious to her not to see me at school. During those few days trying to figure out, I mysteriously never felt hungry or thirsty, or even felt the need to use the toilet the whole day since this morning. There was oddly no physical education classes either.

So, how did I turn myself back into a boy? Well, a Mizuho High girl, with the name Kanade Haneda (羽田 奏) on her name tag, was calling me as I was walking around near the main entrance, where it contains the only asphalt road in the whole campus. The road leads to the office area from the outside, briefly passing past a research lab, and outdoor sporting facilities. (I don't get how Mizuho students can do sports very well when they can't even remove their regular school uniform.)

Kanade: "Oh, hi there! Are you having problems taking out your uniform?"

A girl from the high school department approached me. She had the name Kanade Haneda (羽田 奏) on her name tag.

Kanade: "I know mine can't be removed until I graduate, but, for you, you can do it outside the campus as long as no one sees you, or know where you are exactly. This specific Kobayakawa female uniform you are wearing is actually a Mizuho uniform for visitors. Visitors of other schools would see that of their school version."

Me: "Thanks for the tip. But how do you know this much detail?"

Kanade: "I was... used as a model when they designed the uniform and have a brother who works here."

If she says her brother works here, and being one of the people involved with designing of the uniform, she must have known about boys like me being turned into girls, but I'm not going to ask her about that.

Kanade: "Your mother told me that you were staying here and, since I have to come here, I might as well meet you. From the images I saw at her office, you do look a lot like your younger sister, even when you were a child. I saw your student ID at the lost and found counter. Would had brought it to your mother if you hadn't told the lost and found office about it."

How does she know about my mother?! I have to admit that me as my female form does make it possible for me and my sister to look alike again. Actually, it hurts more if we don't look alike. I only anticipated my sister to crossdress and trying out a deeper voice to be like me, not the other way where I am transformed. Being siblings with the same set of parents, I don't think my face looks much different than before, but gender-specific facial features makes it hard at a glance to confirm this. It seems that, on top of the free accommodation and utility usage, Mizuho is actually paying me to stay there.

Me: "How did you know my mother? Are you even talking about the same person here?"

Kanade: "Didn't she already told you about an important person at where she works looking out of place wearing a school uniform?"

Hold on. Mizuho High uniform... Knows my mother well... Mentioned that she saw me and my sister on a photo at my mother's office... And I think my mother did mention about a misleading name tag being worn. Huh?

Me: "Wait a minute! What were you doing at my mother's office, and how did you get there? She told me that non-employees aren't allowed to go any further than the hospital area unless with permission."

Kanade: "Er... I forgot to introduce myself, did I?"

She gave me a name card with her picture on it and briefly showed me her staff pass.
Saeko Hisakawa
Founder, Chief Executive Officer
Powell Research Corporation

Kanade: "My name is Saeko Hisakawa, the so called founder and CEO of Powell Research. I am the big boss there, so of course I can go anywhere I like around Powell, though my appearance can be misleading to those who don't know what I looked like. I have been kicked out of meetings by my own staff and scolded by security out of a misunderstanding, but I guess it can't be helped because I stand out too much to fit the image of a Powell staff. I can't even grow older or take out this uniform to blend in."

I heard her saying "so called" when she mentioned her job title. She is strangely informal for an important person like her and appeared reluctant to mention her job post. There was no mention about her youthfulness, or why she had a different name in Mizuho. Also, to be kicked out of a meeting as a CEO by your own staff is crazy.

Hisakawa: "If you excuse me, I have something to do now. I hope we meet again soon."

I see her walking towards the Hatsuya branch. She seemed out of place for someone who is part of the upper management of a serious company. I have this feeling that other senior managers want to get rid of her for things like contradicting the company's policies, but with her holding the highest position, and founding the very company they work for, they can't do anything about it.

There are rumours that if she hires people herself, that person would be hired without an interview. This means that they would not need to go through the hiring department that is infamously known for their strict interview process on top of requiring a degree for any position. However, for the founder herself to hire people itself is quite rare. According to staff hired by her, it came unexpectedly and she made it sound like a small company when describing it.

After several encounters with my mother's boss, she allowed me to use her money to order anything I like, no matter how expensive it may be. She admitted that her personal relationship with me is now stronger than my mother.

Hisakawa: "You see, my income is far too much for me to spend it for myself. Even if I retire now, I would still have a lot in excess even after considering spending it on expensive things everyday until I grow old, and setting aside funds for my family. I think I can also finance a huge fraction of any expensive project, or donate a large amount of to charity, but I would be attracting attention. Since I'm also seen as a founder of Powell Research, my actions can affect the company's shareholders funding even though it's unrelated."

For some reason, Hisakawa always seem to imply to me that Powell is not hers and her attitude is more like being forced to take over a family business that she doesn't want to. Since the company is managed by the upper management team and not her alone, the company can run on its own without her input. She can override the decisions the upper management team has decided, and Hisakawa's decisions can't be overwritten. This also indirectly means that staff that were hired by Hisakawa herself, and some staff she has an interest on, can't be fired except by Hisakawa herself.

After selecting the things to order from the online store, the delivery date was scheduled to be around the second week of March. The size of the order means that my presence is needed to collect the delivery from the courier. However, it is not yet clear when exactly the graduation ceremony would be and, as a second year student, be present to show appreciation for the graduating third years. Whether it happens and me being involved would greatly affect the address I would use to have it deliver to: my home, or the Mizuho dormitories. If it is delivered to home address, but with me not around when it arrives, there's the high possibility for my family to ask what I ordered and, particularly my sister, would open the package before I get back. The Mizuho dormitories seems like a safer choice.

I don't know how am I going to reveal my appearance as a girl to my sister if she wants a picture of me, or hear my voice, inside Mizuho. If an emergency situation happens while I am there, it is highly possible that I would reveal it by accident. Knowing her, she could be shocked.

08 September 2012

Disorientated Feelings (Part 51)

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It been a week since my son entered middle school, and it seems that he has already made some friends, which is surprising to me as he didn't have any before. What I'm even more worried is if he could cope as he's only seven years old, though him having friends kind of reduces my fear by a little bit. He never had any friends back in first year primary school or kindergarten, but yet could get friends in middle school first year like it's easy. Maybe I'm just too worried, but my son is my first child to be in middle school.

My son chose not to stay at the dorms there, except when there's something up that he stays late there, or be early for the following morning. My daughters told me that he sometimes bring his friends along, sometimes long enough to meet Saeko or my husband, but they are gone by the time I reach home.

Like my husband these days, I never saw my son changing out of that Mizuho uniform (though, for middle school this time). He doesn't even talk about it until I mentioned it. There aren't any spare uniforms sold or provided, and has been wearing it since the day before the entrance ceremony without ever changing out of it.

There's apparently no fastener or zip on the skirt, but I'm told they appear only when the conditions to be able to remove the uniform have been met, which, for my son, is when he graduates in his third year. This would not be happen if he continues to another Mizuho school, and the new school year is less than a month after he graduated from the previous school. That month is the buffer period for old friends to celebrate their graduation and not see some of their old friends as a male. However, the uniform of the old school can be overridden by the new one if their new school starts during that period, including that of non-Mizuho schools. If he, however, continue on to a non-Mizuho school, he has to either enter as a girl or wait for an entire year to be able to enter as a boy. A similar logic applies to students transferring out of Mizuho schools before reaching graduation, but if the house they move into to study at the new school is far or remote enough to not have friends from the old school to visit, the uniform could be removed only after leaving the old town and not have old friends to come along. Things could get complicated of they do.

The reason being that, at the time of registration, interview, and exam, he's still a Mizuho student, which also means that he's biologically a girl from wearing the Mizuho uniform, and the new school would be expecting him as that same girl, or the entrance test would be deemed invalid since the male self is seen as a different person who didn't take the test. Also, people's perception would be different if he attends as a girl for the first few weeks and suddenly as a boy the following week onwards, as opposed to staying as a boy or a girl without changing during the entire time at that school. Even "transfer students" get treated differently than if the entered as first year students on the first day.

If he choose to enter the non-Mizuho school and the school begins less than a month after graduating from a Mizuho school, he is allowed to remove the old uniform to wear the that of the new school and wear any clothes freely, but his body would remain as a girl of the age same as his peers until a month after he graduates from there too. This was stated (but at a section people would usually skip over) when they registered for any Mizuho school. Also, with Mizuho known for being a popular girls' academy, any males who had studied there, but chose not to remain as female after graduating, would have to use "Mihara Academy" (an institute owned by the same entity that also owns Mizuho) as the name of the school they graduated from. The disadvantage here is that Mizuho is seen as a more prestigious academy than Mihara, which translates to getting a high-paying job easily, or given highest priority over other applicants competing for the same job. On top of that, they are likely to have developed the female behavior from being biologically an adolescent girl during their time there long enough to be a part of their normal behavior, and the male ones undeveloped. This would have people see them as a girly man, but at this age where males are being turn into females by a separate phenomenon, nobody seemed to care. It would have been a great deal if that didn't happen though.

To be able to register and attend as a boy, he has to wait until a month after graduating. Since that would be April or May, he would have to wait for an entire year to be able to do so as entrance exams are in December, though, for college, they might be able to make it for the ones that start in July or September, which are are mostly overseas-based colleges. Kind of logical when you think about the reason behind it, but nobody wants to wait for a whole year just to progress from middle school to high school, or from high school to college. Although, even some candidates applying for a place for college do face difficulty and, for competitive courses, the qualifying score has to be adjusted relatively with the number of available places to the number of candidates, especially if the amount of the latter exceeds the former.

In Mizuho College department, this isn't a problem as they could use any available space in the campus if the main college area is full. That is why some college classes are located in other areas of the academy that is under other departments, and possibly some distance away from the main college department area. That is why the uniform is important in identifying who's who as a college student who has the classroom at, for example, the high school department won't be stopped by the high school principal for something that applies to high school students only. Priority of who uses the rooms depends on which department the room belongs to. Being able to accommodate more students is even more important today with the swelling number of students that came from the phenomenon of older people becoming young girls. Depending on the age they had become, they have to attend school of the level of what people of their age go to even if they had attended school before "in their previous life". The large majority of those "transformed" people happen to fall under the high school and college ages. All the Girls and co-Ed schools see classes filled to the maximum, but boys schools are seeing the opposite as everyone is being feminized and fewer children are being born. If this happens to the same person again they could actually be living forever as they can't get (biologically) old enough to die of old age. This is just an unconfirmed theory as the oldest known person who has already been transformed is some decades away from reaching the age of when the second time would be expected to happen. However, they are still vulnerable to dying of other causes, which is why reproduction is still important.

It's bad enough that less than half of those children born these days are boys. In the past, they made up about 60% of births. These boys-only schools are at the threat of being shut down if this keeps up if they don't go co-ed, but if they do, female students could easily make up more than three quarters of the student population in the first year due to the overflow from other schools.

Nobody likes the huge numbers of students, but the problem is that nobody could control it from happening. Hatsuya has already come up with a solution of women producing children should the male gender be completely extinct, but the methods seemed unnatural. I know because I was the test subject during the research stage, with my third and fourth child being the products from that experiment. I'm scared that I might become a different person if my behaviour were to be forcefully changed by external forces. Well, maybe still be able to be myself, but with the new behaviour forced on me over a long period of time, I might eventually give in. You see, all the men who had been turned into girls really behaved like girls, but no changes for the girls who behave like boys, which I fall into. I forsee that this could happen at the same time, or after, when all the males become females, making the male gender extinct. That itself is of an unknown time, but the rate it is happening now tells me that it could happen in less than half a century.

My son's academic performance is surprisingly quite good for a middle school year 1 student even though he was only in primary school year 1 just the year before. Other traits that he had, or as far as I am aware of at least, is that he is well disciplined, communicates with people, and enjoying facilities in Mizuho that most schools, including mine, never had. For a 7-year-old, it kind of too young to tell if his current behavior is his normal behavior, or is influenced by the uniform. One thing for sure is that, if people don't know him, they would see him as an intelligent 15-year-old girl. Despite the large variety of uniform designs in use, Mizuho uniforms are easily distinguished from other school uniforms.

05 September 2012

624th post: September 2012 update to my blog stories

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So much has happened since the last update that I have to split into multiple sections to make things clearer.

Story 1 (An Original Story By Me) 

3 years since publishing Part 15 as the original ending, I did feel that the ending did see kind of abrupt. After watching the 2011 K-On! movie (which came out on Blu-Ray in mid-2012), I felt that I needed to insert something that is to do with graduation and yet feel the impact of it. All the newer stories I had written would not fit it well either because it's too early in the story's timeline to put that in, or the graduation idea was already used, which wasn't as impaction as what I am planning here. This story fits with that idea well, but the problem is that, with a 3 year gap between Part 15 and Part 16, my memories about the characters and setting might have become rusty.

Story 2 (Alternate Dimension) 

I mentioned something about "affecting the entire population" (everyone) being turned into schoolgirls. What is ambiguous about this is that I never mentioned to what extent this affects. The whole city, the whole country, or the entire world? Even I myself am not sure which to use. However, I did imply in Part 85 that the radius is quite big as I mentioned about the protagonist heading to the mountain ranges that is quite far away from the city where the story takes place in.

Story 3 (Disorientated Feelings)

If you had read up to Part 50 of this, and Alternate Dimension (Part 86), note that this story is at a timeline earlier than Alternate Dimension (Part 86) as the latter had skipped ahead in time so that I can quickly get past to where this story might end due to Alternate Dimension's protagonist prolonged lifespan, and staying together with this story's protagonist. Story 2 and Story 3 would become nothing more than of the same story from different viewpoints if I don't diversify as both stories have already reached the point where they both married each other (sort of), have children, and live in the same house.

Even though the protagonist of this story has recovered from an illness that prevents her from knowing her own children that were born from her (the first two), no names were given to the children and are referred to by which order they are born in starting from the oldest. There are 4 children in total, with the second child being a boy, and the rest being girls, though the concurrent plot of this story and Alternate Dimension relating to gender change can make this confusing. To make things less confusing, I use male pronouns for the husband and son even though they have been turned into females, and explicitly say so if their gender has changed.

(Remember: Mizuho uniform would turn anyone into young females on being worn, even if they were an old man before wearing it, and turn back on removing it. However, removing the Mizuho uniform itself is difficult, and the uniform would try to brainwash the wearer into wanting to permanently become a young girl.)

Story 4 (An Unexpected Wish)

Well, the last part was published in March 2010, which is just a few months after writing An Original Story By Me (Part 15) mentioned at the top. This story follows the cousin of Disorientated Feelings' protagonist whose parents and brother had been killed by a burglar shortly after she had left for school that day.

There's nothing wrong with the storyline, but it's somewhat difficult to write this as I can't really think what would happen next. When I try to think about it, ideas for Alternate Dimension and Disorientated Feelings came to my mind instead. I hope to continue writing this in some point in time. The timeframe for this is around when the protagonist of Story 3 just came back from her studies from abroad.

Story 6 (Teary Promise)

This story follows a girl trying to find new love, but is also struggling to let go thinking of her crush who had been killed by a devastating tidal wave that was caused by a strong earthquake (Based on the actual March 2011 event), and she herself narrowly escaping from being killed.

This story is set in a small town away from where stories 1-4 take place, but things get weirder when I subconsciously mentioned content from Story 2. Another story I hope to continue this: I might have more ideas for this than Story 4, which means that I could be writing this sooner. It wasn't my original intention to have gender bender topics in this story, but I guess writing Story 2 for a very long time does seep it into my thinking.

All stories

I couldn't help but notice that Saeko Hiskawa (protagonist of Alternate Dimension) and Mizuho Academy is mentioned quite a lot in all of my stories. It's like the protagonist of all stories do not know each other except Saeko Hisakawa, who is like the common person that all have. Not surprising considering the multiple roles and long lifespan she has.

Officially, I would publish new story parts when I feel like it, but unofficially, I do so towards the end of every second week. My twitter feeds would tell you what I'm up to that can affect me writing this even though I may not mention it directly.

You know, the process to write a gender-bender story of my own to whatever I like can get aroused myself when thinking of the content which, could either lead me to write what was on my mind in my arousal state, or delete that later on. Large chunks of text I might add.

My publishing rate is not as quick as what I would like it to be, but the very long individual parts does make up for it: the ones I wrote back in 2008/9 were a lot shorter than it is now.

As of the time of this post, I have already written some paragraphs of Disorientated Feelings (Part 51), with the urge to add more words to it, but I also have work-related things to worry about that can affect my thinking and availability to write them. Either way, I'm writing these stories in the first place as a way to write down my overflowing thoughts, and thank you for your comments (though there are hardly any) and support.

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中野区, 東京都, Japan
帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.