Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: 532th post

15 April 2011

532th post


Now, these clothes that I have... Aside from the uniforms, I only bought them because they look good on me, not because I like them. Sadly, none of the clothes I liked would fit me nicely. The irony of looking good in something I hate... It's the problem with my body.

Sure people would say that I'm medically and visually normal, but the mental image of myself is completely different from the me I always look down at or in the mirror. The only (socially acceptable) clothes I could wear strongly reminds me of being the gender I don't want to be. So much that I don't want to look at myself, but I'm pretty much stuck with it for my whole life.

What is the difference between a man and a woman? I mean, we are both humans. And the only difference is who gets to be able to make the offspring, and who would be able to "unlock" that process as the other can't make offspring on their own like any other animals. Over time, these genes that make the two attract each other have seem to create separate "factions" between the two genders as though completely different species that shouldn't be mixed.

As I grew up, I didn't pay attention to this, until I noticed guys wearing pants instead of shorts, and girls still wearing skirts in secondary education. What made it more obvious to me was everyone of my age then growing longer legs, guys grew bigger and taller compared to girls and their voice changed, girls became grew bigger and mature earlier than guys (but end up being smaller than guys as an adult) had those visibly growing out of their chest and, wearing a skirt + legs growing longer = more leg exposure. The more I look at myself, the more scared of what I had become, or why I react to certain things differently. Gender differences became so obvious, and, the closer to adulthood, the more I question about the things I found myself to be doing, and my body is now desperate to wanting something with someone of a gender opposite of mine. I'm not mentally influenced by this and find it a hindrance and disruptive, but my body can make my mind go blank or unable to resist. I think men have it worse when aroused because... you know, pokes through the pants, while women just er... have it larger. I didn't know my gender was decided by dad months before I was born, though me, and my siblings, was created to replace them.

If you have been reading those thousands and thousands of words for my stories I had written here since 2008, you would have noticed some relevance of its theme with this post, especially the 2nd story. You can tell how disconnected my mind is from my body.

Well, whether you are someone I know in person, following me (or someone in common) on either Twitter or Facebook, or just stumble across this while searching.... Well think about the inequality between people.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Edit: Also, when people write things of becoming someone else, or being a different version of themselves, they never consider being a different hometown, race, gender, completely different set of friends or parents.

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中野区, 東京都, Japan
帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.