Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: Disorientated Feelings (Part 24)

19 December 2009

Disorientated Feelings (Part 24)

I have been working at the current workplace long enough to know their names, their habits, and the things they do at work that they wouldn't want others to know, especially the boss.

I wasn't expecting something unpredictable to happen when I asked Itsuki and Saeko to help clear the things in my late cousin's bedroom I'm currently staying at when i started to work: not only did those two remote the unwanted stuff quickly, they even designed the entire house (except the rooms Nanami and my great-grandmother sleep in) to look as though a professional interior designer had done it. Also, Nanami and Saeko told me individually that they had met each other when my cousin came home early when the cleaning up was going no. Saeko admitted that she was the upperclassman at the computer club room as the club's president when Nanami went there to meet up with a club member, who is in the same year as Saeko, last year. Nanami saw through her change of uniform and hairstyle, adding to the fact that she had also saw Itsuki almost every Saturday. Nanami knew that there was something awfully familiar when they met each other at her family's funeral.

Sigh... Since Nanami is my cousin, and the other two are my boyfriends, I guess I would have to explain about those two. It's complicated and a long story to explain, but let's just say that Saeko is a female clone of Itsuki, of whom is my boyfriend. The problem is that my boyfriend's soul is stuck in the female clone's body, and the current Itsuki is someone else. I love the former, but she's now the same gender as me and have to in out with the latter if I were to tell people that I'm in a relationship with someone and, if i want to, to have our offspring to replace us when we die. The same as to what me and my siblings are to my parents. It's a sad fact of life. They would have to come out of me like how i came out of my mother.

I seriously don't know why I'm attracted to my boyfriend. He didn't do anything special to stand out from all the other guys. He didn't do well in school. He's not rich. He didn't even care about who i was until i crashed into him by mistake. But why do i like him to the point i made the first move? Seriously, what am i doing? Why can't i live without them? I thought there was something wrong with me, but my uncle (Kenjiro) told me some time ago that it's normal to have that for girls. You mean it's normal for me to be emotional and crazy when someone i love is gone? I don't like the sound of that. Then again, I'm too intelligent that i don't even know what my own body wants anymore. It's like the difficulty of communicating with children, even though i was a child myself.

On my 22nd birthday, Itsuki proposed to me and get married, which i wasn't expecting. We have already known each other for 7 years, and we are closer to each other than our parents. My siblings? I only see them as the other children my parents gave birth to as a result of my uncle's experiments. Well, that's what I heard, and nobody specific was mentioned. Speaking of my uncle's experiments, he has started it not long before i was born. He would pick volunteers or people he thought shouldn't be in prison as tests subjects. Since all experiments are top secret, the only experiments I knew of were the ones i was involved in and the declassified ones, including a device Itsuki was working on in may 2005. Nobody was killed or injured so far though, but enough for the rest of their lives to change significantly. Saeko was an odd case: she was a "let anyone who uses the machine" as a permanent test subject and "have them as a subject to further tests without they themselves knowing until it has happened". Wait, that largely explains the constant horrors she went through. She's scared because she doesn't know what and when it would happen and it would usually be against her will. She does receive a large sum of money for being the (unwilling) test subject on top of being an employee of the company that did all that to her. Saeko herself knows that she is now owned by the institute and that people are watching her thoughts all the time. I am somewhat guilty on that part for inventing it, but i didn't know my boyfriend's soul is in the clone instead of the original back then. I wonder what the current Itsuki did to her when I'm not around.

Saeko is taking care of the expenses from the house to how grand the wedding ceremony is. If you ask me, I don't mind a discreet simple wedding. I could sense the sadness behind Saeko's happy face: she's supposed to be 22, the same age as me, but her age is stuck at 16. It wasn't easy to find a place to call our new home with Itsuki, me, Saeko (out of my request), and my future children. Sure using Saeko's wealth to pay for our house means that i could pick a large house in an expensive residential area, but i want my future kids to be happy, interact with others, and not be spoilt.

We've finally found the place: it's a western-styled house (one i grew up in is traditional) that's quiet and peaceful. The train station and the shopping district is not too far away. The bus frequencies in the area are quite good too. To tell you the truth, I've never been here prior to viewing the house.

On the weeks prior to my wedding with Itsuki, i decided to have a rendezvous with Saeko without letting Itsuki know. As long he's not looking at the machine i sent years ago, he won't know what happened between us.

Before I could say anything, Saeko dropped into tears.

Saeko: "Remember the time we first met in 2004?"

Me: "Yes, I went for you instead of the guys who were crazy over me. I knew i saw something about you, but look at yourself: why did you become a girl and made a clone of yourself on top of that? Well, i knew it was accidental, but my heart refuses to take that as a reason. In fact, I can't see a pretty girl like you to be my boyfriend even though I knew who you were."

Saeko: "I am sad myself too. I was the target of several fatal attacks and I was forced to put on this irremovable competition swimsuit that somehow makes me immortal. I didn't ask for that, but I really want to marry you! I don't like whoever is occupying my former body, because he treats me badly. He even made me do things I didn't want to do with a look on my face that says that I enjoyed it even though I'm not! I don't know what to do with my life now! I should have died ages ago when those thugs strike a knife deep into me, but i mysteriously survived it without a scratch even though i thought i saw blood and felt pain when they stabbed me. What am i now? A test subject that can't die but can't do what it wants unless it's allowed or if there's nothing specified? I really wanted to be with you, but not like this... Uwaaa....."

Saeko has went through horrors far worse than what i had went through. There are so many things she can't do even if she wanted to. To tell you the truth, i don't know what to do to help her. I wanted to say that it's all her fault that all of this happened that caused the nightmare i went through, with me almost blinded and killed, but from what others and Saeko herself said, it was a work-related experiment that went wrong along with the cruelty of others.

Part 23 | Part 25

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中野区, 東京都, Japan
帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.