Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: Disorientated Feelings (Part 33)

24 October 2010

Disorientated Feelings (Part 33)

We had found documents that strongly suggests that the company might have been able to do bad things if Hatsuya institute has given them the technology they lack, which has been strongly rejected. Some of these evidence support events as far back as decades ago where Hatsuya staff were attacked or killed for failing to give in to their demands.

Documents dating from the late 1990s are probably stored on the computers we couldn't access yet as we couldn't find any physical documents of those. The rival company was not brought down back then as the evidence discovered then did not point towards them and police concluded that the attackers were only groups of individuals that were acting on their own. Hatsuya suspects that their rival had cleverly hidden any links to the attackers, or had some spies in the police force. The rival company is quite good with the security of information against them, but not with those from before that was available. None of the documents we found had any mention of Powell or any other research companies.

Working on this case is not easy as Saeko has been attacked by them several times. She's would be reminded of the horrors of being attacked by them and her endless life of forced immortality. For some odd reason, I am unable to tell the gender of my own children or even their names. I only know how many I have (2 currently). When I try to look at them, read their names, or whatever, it seems that the information has been turned into the Nth child I gave birth to before it reaches my mind. It's like my brain is refusing to let me know about my own children!

Because of this seemingly hard-for-others-to-understand-or-analyze problem, people, including my husband, has been wondering why I am cross-dressing my children or making them behave the opposite gender, when I myself can't tell my children's gender. It was so bad that I needed help. Oddly, this problem doesn't happen when involves other people's children. Saeko is the only one aware of this, but she can't do anything about it except to fix the mess I unknowingly made, and explain to my husband. I don't know how I fell in love with him but the genes in girls (which I'm sadly one myself) makes them blind to the negative points of the person they are attracted to. It's usually the men who do the first move to propose to the woman they liked to be married, but I made the first move because my love was too strong that I can't stop thinking about him since I first met Itsuki. That recent revelation about him becoming that at his workplace (Mizuho Academy) was quite... shocking to me. I mean, since they are genitally similar, Itsuki looked like an older version of... complete with... I can't say it.

Saeko is a female clone of my husband from since my high school days. Form a clone's perspective, they would seem to be suddenly be in a different body, but that's no different than a soul being forced out of the original and into the cloned body, with what is left behind being a lost soul occupying it. The question is which one? Even the person in question can't answer that. I would want to think of 1 mind 2 bodies, but it doesn't seem to be that way. Saeko's body is the only one we could use to realistically test out new or unknown drugs without the use of lab mice, or see how in a criminal investigation would a victim react if they are attacked in a certain way, including ones that would cause death. Saeko's body is made immortal and a permanent test subject of Hatsuya, which means a huge disruption if Saeko were to be doing her own things (including sleeping) at the time of being summoned. Her body can take anything they do to her, but the poor soul has to go through things that actual victims in a similar situation suffer through (including feelings and reaction). Saeko describes the experience as being permanently on a roller-coaster that never stops, sometimes literally as she has been pushed off a plane or a tall building without a parachute. She cries quite regularly because of the endless torture and how she can't kill herself or how badly she wants to be in my husband's place. In the eyes of the law, she's not a human and is instead seen as a "highly realistic android" as, when they showed to the officials, footage from her eyes on the computer screen. The representative poked her eye as proof that the video really came from there. Saeko shouted in pain and got angry at the representative, but the officials were only focused on the screen and how Saeko reacted on the eyes being poked (like how any human would) without any thought that there is an actual human soul controlling it and not artificial intelligence. I myself am not sure what side I'm on as, for one, knows her personally the most and the longest, but I'm also responsible for what she is suffering through now. Neither of the two are involved with this case I'm working on and I can't even say anything about it since they are not working at my branch. From past experience, Saeko could be used to watch us remotely by unknown parties. Saeko herself might not even be aware of this happening, as the last time it happened that she knew about was 9 years ago. You would never know who's watching.

I don't remember where it came from, but I was born with a curse to forever fall in love with anyone of the opposite gender who fell on top of me with lip contact and must see him as he is at that time once a day from then on before I go insane, which would gradually get worse as time passes by. This was triggered when I first met Itsuki. I noticed my interest has suddenly shifted from the many boys who are fighting for my attention (because I was quite popular among them) to some unknown guy who is bad with grades. Even then, I questioned on why I had fallen in love with a nobody who is not good at anything over better looking guys that are trying to attract my attention. Also, it seems that he started working at Hatsuya simply because I asked my uncle (who employed him) to go to the international programming competition. When I was dragged into the other dimension, I really went crazy and depressed that I missed out the chance to go for an overseas trip with my siblings and classmates. Eventually, I did find Itsuki there, but as a girl (the current Saeko). Then I actually have thoughts on suicide (unrelated to the video of myself being killed) until I manage to return back. During college, I have to make long-distance video chat at annoyingly frequent rates. During that time, he somehow managed to hide the existence of Saeko being with him. He can't get rid of her because she's genetically completely identical to him too (including fingerprints), but he wants to because she's so much richer and smarter than him. I don't know what position Saeko is in with the marriage between me and my husband. If you ask me, my husband has been split into two: the soul in Saeko, and the body with Itsuki.


As the housing area we live is only just created when I graduated from university, there are not much elderly people around. The town's train station has been heavily upgraded from a small station in the middle of a large open field to one in the heart of town that can support hundreds of people to and from the capital in less than a decade. The only remains from before the upgrade are only the track alignment. The name of the town is adopted from the station name, which itself is of unknown origins. Hard to believe that the town did not exist when I was still in college.

The houses in our neighbourhood do have families like us with young children and let them mingle with the neighbours. Our neighbours has never seen us heading out or arriving back before, and, until my husband revealed that secret recently, even I have never seen head to work before. My husband used to play musical instruments in school, and programming as a side hobby. Since graduating from high school, he chose to work full time at Hatsuya over playing those instruments or entering college. His salary seems unchanged since being employed, which is a curious thing as we now both manage different branches, with a raise for me. On closer look, the raise seems to have gone to Saeko, his other self, instead. Since Saeko has college education, and has taken over the role of test dummies, lab mice, and other things on top of being the founder of Powell Institute, her salary is insanely high when compared to mine. I don't know how much, but she paid my house and car in full. Even my husband is shocked on about this.

Despite Saeko and Itsuki being the same person, the two don't get along well. Itsuki seem to think that he could use Saeko to do something he can't to to other girls as doing anything to her is counted as doing to himself since Saeko is a clone of himself and takes advantage of Saeko not being able to physically fight back. She would come crying to me when he does that and I have to scold my husband. However, he quickly forgets about my scolding and continues torturing her, unless Itsuki wears the Mizuho uniform he has to wear to work, the mood to do it is completely absent as his body and way of thinking is completely like that of a young woman. I noticed that since I first saw Saeko, she only wears a skirt that is no longer than her knee level. Even during the cold winter, she never wears anything else, even on the inside, which makes me wonder why. As for Saeko, she can withstand being attacked or tortured, but her body would automatically shiver in fear and cry (even if Saeko herself doesn't want to), making her helpless from being attacked. The only thing that can't be done is to brainwash or kill her, or forcing out her soul from the body. If she doesn't ages and can't die at all, does that means that she would still be around many centuries later? Floating around in outer space, wondering how she's still alive despite feeling the pain of being killed. A meaningless eternity that can't be done something about... how sad is that? She's only lived 12 years of immortality, where the people she knows are still around, but her not ageing is becoming noticeable. We don't know if we could bring Saeko out of it, but we know she doesn't want to live forever meaninglessly.

Most parents would say that raising a child is difficult, and does not understand what the child's scream mean. For mine, they are surprisingly independent without me teaching anything like they were born with my intelligence. I have to admit though, that Saeko was the one who raised my children the whole time and, until they grew older, can't tell the difference between her and their father as the two responded the same way to the children. Personally, I never wanted children. I only had them because of how life works of the need to replace myself when I can't live on and requiring someone of the opposite gender to help that replacement that is somehow made inside me.

At work, when I'm not involved with the investigation involving my company's arch rival, I would go around to see if anyone is in need of help. All of the supervisors of this branch before me were men who would use this time, instead, to play golf. I have made clear to the staff that I do not need to be feared of because of the previous supervisors who were unreasonable, or simply being the niece of someone of a very high position of the same company. (Uncle Kenji treated me like his daughter more than his own or my father, but his actions since my first day in high school makes me more wary of him.)

I did not pay attention at first, but a staff noted that I have been a supervisor of my branch for longer than the past few ones on top of being the first female supervisor, which isn't a big deal to me. I have been here since being rehired into Hatsuya after quitting another company as I wasn't treated equally there. When I was just posted here, I wasn't expecting to lead others, and I kept using Miyazawa instead of Hisakawa as my family name. I did this out of habit and kept forgetting that I was already married to Itsuki. The clerk I talked to when I first arrived noted that my records were under my married name after failing to find with the name I gave her, but not before I told her to check up with headquarters when I found it strange that my records were missing. All branches accesses the same database server as headquarters.

Being a female supervisor, I have this annoyingly high level of maintaining my image than my male counterparts. The makeup, hair, more prone of being attacked, hiding my mood swings, and so on. The hardest being not letting my emotions get in the way of doing my job professionally. The staff noted that they couldn't tell what I felt inside unless they paid close attention to my tone of voice.

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中野区, 東京都, Japan
帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.