Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: Disorientated Feelings (Part 39)

27 August 2011

Disorientated Feelings (Part 39)

The principal looked at me quite uneasily. He seemed as if he wanted to say something to me, but stop short of saying anything.

Me: "You said my mum would have 6 children back then, but there's only 5 now. Did I have an older brother?"

Principal: "Well, your mother was getting exhausted from being made pregnant and giving birth for 6 straight years after the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th child. We determined that she has lost the willpower to have another, so we let her have a break and had the 5th as the final one. You noticed that, in that video, there was a male child, but you recalled that they said that the baby was the first child. You also noted that, including you, there are only 5 children in the family, and you didn't have an older brother. Well, that baby was... er..."

Me: "What happened to him? He died before I was born?"

After quite a number of hesitation, he picked up the confidence to say it.

Principal: "That baby didn't die... you were that baby."

That sent me a moment of disbelief. The principal is not the type who would tell a joke about a person, but the logic from what I've learnt and experience doesn't seem right. There's no way I could have been born a boy...

For one thing, I clearly remembered giving birth to my children, something only real females are able to do. Next, the only thing I know that could do that is the Mizuho uniform only for as long as its worn, which I recall, prior to today, I never ever worn one or had any type that does the same thing. However, I saw the male thing of that baby completely changed into its female counterpart like it has always been that way.

Principal: "I know you are in a state of disbelief since you lived as a girl for as long as you can remember, your body grew like one, and even give birth to children. I was in the same team with your uncle in this project. Your mother had signed a contract to let us to conduct experiments on her children, which includes you. The 2nd and 3rd generation Mizuho uniforms are simply a subset and temporary-use version of the one that was used, but it seems that female-to-male change conducted on your second youngest sibling was not as successful as the opposite and was abandoned. You saw with your husband on how his body is completely female while wearing his work uniform and his usual male desire to disturb Saeko completely absent. The same thing was done to only 2 of your youngest siblings, with some improvements, and male students from here who are willing to make it permanent. Or rather, as a result of them developing female mentality from not being able to take off the uniform since entrance ceremony all the way to graduation and had developed a love relationship with an another guy. Being a teenage girl at that time, they have developed feelings and ways of thinking that are specific only to females that they couldn't stand living back as a male after graduation. Other reasons is that most of the elites have the Mizuho certificate and is the most recognized among companies. However for males to graduate from what people see as a girls' academy, using that certificate without becoming female is likely to be rejected by companies. They are also given Mihara Academy ones, which is an affiliate school, as having a certificate they could use without changing, but the chances are not as great since they are competing with everyone else with an "average" certificate."

Me: "...why are you doing this to me then? Why the long period of time?"

Principal: "Well, we already know that it was a success when it ended, but we were uncertain about how they would behave, or if they could have children as the gender they had turned into. That means waiting until those babies became adults and had gotten married. With the birth of your first child, and you showing no signs of male-like behaviour, I would say it was a success. As to why it was even done to begin with, let's just say men can make a woman to become pregnant and he could do the same to another almost immediately, but a woman could only bear a child once at a time, hence the logical decision to have more women than men. Declining birth rates, and the population being made up of more men than women, stress with the working life, means less children are being born. Something needs to be done to increase the female population, even if it means leaving the male population making up only a quarter of the total. We can't completely eliminate males should there be a situation where technology to have women to bear a child without men is inaccessible. More women means that more children can be made at the same time than if there were fewer. Women are smarter, more visually appealing, not likely to be involved in physical arguments, and be able to live longer when compared to men too. Even longer when they are not married. We acquired Mizuho Academy not long afterwards to see what it would be like to have a 100% female population and turning males into females to the extent that their bodies function as if they were naturally born one, on the request of the school's founder. Except those who already found someone, we also make them fall in love with any single guy that they had been stared by. No technology can replicate humans right up to the flesh and blood, but we had been able to turn men into women capable of becoming pregnant. Some laws and social taboos are needed to be changed to make it work. You would find that absolutely nobody is complaining about it because they either liked it, actually thinking they had always been that way, or we made them mentally incapable of even being able to talk about it to people who didn't know about it, even after they turned back. I don't know if there are loopholes with the anti-rape feature of the Mizuho uniforms, but if its intentional or doesn't work, they are able to become pregnant, including men who wore the uniform since they are biologically female while wearing it. If that happens, they can't become a man again until they give birth to the child growing inside them. Should an abortion be performed, there's a high chance they will permanently remain as a woman as punishment for killing a life. The only way around that is to become pregnant again and successfully give birth, if they are able to."

At this point, I don't know if I should get angry for meddling with people and me as a helpless baby, or say if the principal has a valid point. Being a woman myself, I would feel that this is outrageous, but from the point of ensuring that there are enough newborns to replace the dead, this does seem necessary. My uncle was behind this, but yet he wants me to take over the very company that did this to me as the director? Probably only because I'm the best candidate to take over him without asking someone outside the family. His daughter is the only other eligible candidate, but she's not interested.

Me: "So does Saeko and Itsuki know..."

Principal: "Those two? They had already known about it since 2010, around the time Saeko asked you if you had remotely spoke into her head. However, they feared that you would kill yourself if they told you before your oldest child is in primary school. Your husband revealing himself to you in his actual work attire was the first step of revealing to you."

Well, that's kind of true in a sense that if wasn't for my love towards my children and thinking of how my actions would affect them, who weren't born when those two first knew about it, I might have killed myself for finding out I had been born a boy and making me live as a girl all my life as part of an experiment I didn't know of. I had to think about my children, who might be sad if I'm gone. But being turned into a girl, me behaving and growing like one, and me being able to give birth to children that bears my genes... That's as good as actually being born a girl since traditional gender reassignment procedure can't achieve that. A major scientific breakthrough that is strangely not known to the general public. But still, why me? I knew I felt something wrong with my body as I grew up, especially as a teenager. Everyone said the way my body grew is normal for a girl and didn't find anything abnormal with my body, except, I wasn't originally born as a girl to begin with. My body has been completely feminized, with male-related things in my body completely replaced with the female counterparts, including reproduction organs, and work as if I had been naturally born with them. However, my mind has not been changed, though off-set by the fact that it happened within a year of my birth where I didn't know anything and never had the chance to live as a boy. A clear example of a what-if situation where it happened at a latter stage in life is reflected on Saeko and my husband. Particularly the former as she couldn't turn back, though her situation of how it happened is different.

Me: "So whose voice did Saeko hear back then if it wasn't me?"

Principal: "Well, records in Saeko says that it's actually your voice, but of the near future of our current time. In other words you will be talking to her of that time quite soon. Don't worry, you will find yourself doing it naturally since we know it has happened from Saeko's point of view."

Me: "I've also been wondering... who is this Saeko that has been tagging along with me and my husband all of these years? I know she has explained herself, but I need an another opinion."

Principal: "Just as in the records, the Saeko you know now is based on an another Saeko of the dimension you were sent to, who is, coincidentally, your husband's other self over there. We found it odd that the Saeko you know now was able to exist here as an individual entity, bringing along what she has back there along, instead of being back as your current husband. As it turns out, the dimensional changer your husband was working on when he was 15 activated by itself, and brought everyone who worked for Hatsuya at that time, into the other dimension; a dimension that seems quite similar to ours in almost every aspect. Our body in our original dimension, while our minds are in other, are something like on auto-pilot or controlled by a lost soul in a way that people who we knew that were unaffected would not notice anything. Of course, that lost soul I mentioned would assume the memory and personality of the body it resides in, and not have any of those carried over from its previous life. Our bodies during that time would behave like us until we return back. Your husband of our dimension, and his counterpart in that dimension, who really was born a girl, co-existed together in the same body until his mind was forced out and transferred to a copy of the body of your husband of that dimension. So, by being in a body that doesn't have a counterpart in our original dimension, a new existance was made and is unable to return back because the two are now seen as two different people, not as a different version of a person. In other words, your current husband is just Itsuki's body with someone else controlling it, but Itsuki's mind is now residing inside who you now call as Saeko. Due to having lived with her current body for longer than with the original, and the situation she faces regularly, Saeko faces stress levels far higher than the average person. She doesn't seem like it because she can't express anger, and Mizuho has "trained" her to be able to think clearly, while suppressing what her body strongly feels. She seems to have given up trying to live, but her being unable to die, even after having gone through situations where she should have had, is a contributing factor to her stress level."

So Saeko is extremely stressed, but is unable to express it? No wonder she always seemed expressionless or sad, and never anger. The only time I see her happy is when she's with my children, but even then, I'm not sure if she's truly happy.

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中野区, 東京都, Japan
帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.