Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: Disorientated Feelings (Part 40)

26 September 2011

Disorientated Feelings (Part 40)

Me: "Is there a way to tell how stressed Saeko is if she can't express it emotionally?"

Principal: "Well, one way to tell is from her actions or the number of things she has to cope with sententiously. You can ask her yourself, of course, but you should be careful about the timing that you do it. Since she respects you the most and relied upon for emotional support, she might approach you herself while not in a good mood. Another way to tell is to check her system status, which is the most accurate, but hard to access without Saeko herself being aware of it even though she has no control over it. Do you have other questions? I might not remember everything I'm supposed to tell you since it has been a few decades."

About Seko or Mizuho Academy... that I can ask someone else later. Oh, there's one thing that has been bothering me.

Me: "You said that I have children that I gave birth to, right? But why do I find it had to see them or have gender-specific terms that refer to them appear censored to me? I could only sense their presence, but Itsuki and Saeko could see them normally. There isn't a problem with other people's children. So far, no one but Saeko could understand my problem. I don't know if it's related."

I find it odd that I even have this strange illness to begin with. It's not that I don't care about them, it's just that I find it hard to see them.

Principal: "Oh, I forgot about that. Well, it's hard to see what it's like form your point of view, but based on your behaviour, we could tell that it has been bothering you of being able to maintain a good family relationship. We are thinking that it could be related to you being completely genetically turned into a girl from a boy, and this being one of the few oddness that doesn't show up until a long time afterwards. It's like a part of you not accepting that your body is able to give birth to your children, a subconscious part of you that had developed as a male even though most of your mind, and your entire body is female."

I am subconsciously denying that I even have children? How come I wasn't aware of it myself? No wonder that there's even confusion with my own mind. No wonder it felt as if my body was on auto-pilot when I came across a problem I don't really understand. I knew that there was something odd about me doing so well academically.

Principal: "It might have also made you think that something is wrong with your body, even though there's nothing wrong with it. This was triggered because that subconsciousness was thinking that your body was abnormal for a boy, but it never thought that you are a girl instead. Either way, this is one of those small things that would only have the result be known after many years. Since there are slight changes to the machine, newer test subjects might have different result. Your youngest sibling, Kuniko, doesn't even show a hint that she was a boy and in every aspect, mentally, visually, and biologically, very much like a girl. But the earlier one with, Kousei, behave very much like a girl even though he has been turned into a boy. You too, but the mental issue has not been perfected yet back then. We also didn't anticipate his mental condition to become so bad either. That's why I said that male to female changes are more successful than female to male. The one used in Mizuho currently is the same as the one used on Kuniko, though the physical characteristics are based on Saeko instead."

No wonder everyone, including myself, have the same measurements as Saeko that it's almost creepy. Not only did Hatsuya change my gender, they also made my mother give birth to more of my siblings and change them too? I feel outraged. No wonder I felt as if there is something more when I gave birth to my first child, because I wasn't originally born to be able to do that and have it to work flawlessly was something big. Turns out that it's a major scientific breakthrough that they had waited decades to happen, with me being the subject in question.

Principal: "We could change the average characteristics of a Mizuho girl and have it appear immediately by just a centralised control system. Since we are both in Mizuho uniform, those changes also reflect on our bodies too. If we were to increase the size of..."

Suddenly, it felt as if my blouse was getting uncomfortably tighter even though it's not shrinking or I never grew... wait a minute...

Principal: "...the breasts, it would be reflected on everyone inside the campus. Sadly, the uniform measurements to meet the changes of body specifications applies only on re-entering, on top of not being able to remove or opening up the clothes. I could make them so big that nobody could get up. Other settings like behaviour, body height, and so on could be adjusted with this thing, but it's designed in such a way that nobody is exempted for not wearing any type of Mizuho uniform on entering, not even the people behind it."

The blouse is so tight now that it feels like the buttons around my breast should have ripped open by now, but the physics-defying rule of not being to take it off prevented that from happening, but I feel very uncomfortable. Breasts are the most annoying things my body that are a hindrance to me being able to move, but it's sadly part of my body that I could neither control, hide, nor get rid of.

Me: "So, why are you people doing this for? Why is this thing not known to the..."

Professor: "I don't want to ruin your weekend, so you can go now. Saeko and your husband are not here today. If you become the director of Hatsuya before we next meet, I would like to say an advanced congratulations."

He pushed me out hurriedly and closed the door at my face. The sound of a door being locked was heard shortly afterwards. I'm puzzled as to why he did that abruptly.

Me: "Er, what about..."

Principal: "There is an entrance to the subway at the ground floor. It look like an ordinary apartment unit from the outside until you notice that the name holder ends with the word station."

I wanted to ask him to restore the size of my breast and to ask how to take off the Mizuho uniform. I don't know if he would get into trouble if he told me more, and he oddly mentioned about me becoming the next director of Hatsuya, which no one before him mentioned.

Sure enough, there's a door leading to the very same train station I used to get here, but via an obscure entrance. At the station, the direct entrance to the apartment looked like it would lead to a staff-only area, and easy to miss if not paid attention to. It's the only subway system I've been to that has obscure entrances and exits that doesn't look like a station entrance from the outside.

There aren't any roads in this massive campus except to the car parks in the business area that leads from the outside, so the only way to get around is by train. Although there appears to be a driver controlling the train, I've seen the train slowing down, doors opening, without her doing anything. Her uniform looked very much like that of customer service ones, and doesn't wear a hat that I usually see train station staff wear at all.

Now that I think of it, every single person in Mizuho is a young woman, with males completely absent. Knowing my husband, they could look just like any other women here. Being used to an environment where women make up for only 40% or less, and being a woman myself, I feel at ease that there aren't any men who could grope me, but the complete absence of them, and women taking over roles that I usually only see men do, is something I'm not used to.

Since the uniform that everyone could only wear is made up of a blouse, skirt, with high heels, and towards formal in appearance, it's even stranger to see women in office uniform doing construction and maintenance work around the campus. Oh, and except for students, nobody is seen running or riding a bicycle around the campus. The increase of breast size that the professor did earlier, could be seen with everyone. Except for those who entered since he did it a few minutes ago, I could also see that their blouses are of a tight fit that could break open any time around the breasts, with an odd sense that they don't mind feeling discomfort about it as if it's a normal thing and used to it.

This place has everyone to be equal, literally. What a strange place. Now I could see what Saeko and my husband went through when they come here. They came here in the first place because they were made to, not on their own free will.

Also, the buildings here are extremely big and are no shorter than 25 stories, and the oldest building were built no earlier than the 1990s. In some buildings, it's possible to walk through a multiple long series of corridors and elevators without heading out, though some are linked to neighbouring buildings. (Though I never needed them, I noticed the lack of toilets too.) The technology used here seemed far advanced that the outside. My husband had told me that some of the "new" technology that just came out in the market has been in used in Mizuho for years, though some other departments of Hatsuya Research, besides the one that developed it, would us it somewhere in between.

I'm about to leave Mizuho to think about what the principal had just told me, and the there's the exit right there. You would think that stepping out would have me to turn back to what I was before entering, but I remained unchanged, and neither could I remove my formal-looking outfit that has a Hatsuya logo on it. Since the principal never told me, I have to ask my husband. He still hasn't ease my discomfort he created.

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中野区, 東京都, Japan
帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.