Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: Disorientated Feelings (Part 46)

29 April 2012

Disorientated Feelings (Part 46)

[Author's note: the first child is a girl, but the mother (protagonist) thinks she's a boy. The opposite is true for the second child.]

Itsuki and I considered the options available for the future of our first child. No, cost isn't a problem as the both of us have well-paying jobs. What we are more concerned is the outcome of the child's future if we decide on the option, which is mostly in the unknown. I want the child to be normal, but neither do I want to restrict what my son's potential. I see that he's not studying, but yet, score full marks, so if he studies, he could be learning that older people would usually learn. This indirectly means that he could have a college degree at a young age, or maybe higher.

However, him being a smart kid and having me as a parent who hold a high job position means that he could be popular, but also means harder for him to find a friend. I want him to be normal, but I'm not exactly normal myself, biologically, but that's not my choice. Unlike other (normal) families like mine, I won't pressure him to study to have a job like mine. I wouldn't mind if if he picks up a career in driving trains, but I do have to admit that his potential would be wasted if that happens considering that he's academically smarter than peers of his age.

Whatever the choice may be, it's likely to set a path for my daughters, but if two of them are also as smart as like their brother, the remaining child would be vulnerable to being bullied... I don't know if that would happen, but as their parent it is my concern. If he really has my memories, him attending school is like me attending at least 15 years worth of attending school again, which I certainly wouldn't be happy if I am taught the same thing again.

To confirm that my child has my memories, and to what degree, I would have to ask him things that I remember that I never mentioned to anyone, including Saeko and Itsuki.

Me: "Er... Sorry for asking this out of the blue, but what do you know about your father around the time I first met him."

1st child: "Well, the first time you saw him was during lunch break right after golden week as he was looking into your classroom. Dad heard about you from his classmates for being a smart and beautiful girl. Of course, back then, you simply saw him as one of the many boys who admired you, and never paid attention to him until he crashed into you while struggling to carry your classmate's exercise books to the staff room. Mentally, you were still not interested in him, but your body reacted as though he's your man for the rest of your life, which seems to still be true today. Dad didn't mind because, to him, the most popular girl in school has thrown herself at him, who, unlike other boys, never competed for your attention."

I don't think I can remember seeing someone I know BEFORE knowing them for the first time, but it does seem that he has me and Itsuki's memories and cross-referenced then to come up with that answer. I feel creeped out at how detailed he described it as if he was me. I really wasn't interested in Itsuki, but him bumping into me triggered something in my body that forces me to love him forever.

Me: "Okay... what other memories of me do you have from before you were born?"

1st child: "You went with 5 of your college friends to New York from California by car. One of the cars had a flat tire along the way. Another memory is you meeting grandfather after a failed interview right after collecting your high school uniform. The latest memory I have before I was born is you finding out how the previous bosses, of where you work now, treated them. There's more."

...Huh?! Although this did happened, I never mentioned any of these to anyone else. He could hear from other people, but how does he know about the car I was in having a flat tire that happened along a deserted road America?! Even Itsuki and Saeko doesn't know the details of that trip other than being a graduation trip, and I only showed them photos when I was at New York City. That last memory he mentioned was not long before I became pregnant with him. Now I'm freaked out.

It became clear from my little test that that this child is too smart for a normal school as he inherited all the knowledge I have at the time of giving birth to him. No wonder he's strangely well mannered for an infant as, to him who has my memories, may be thinking that he was me and suddenly finds himself in the body of an infant born from who he though he always has been. I am worried that he could be more of a likely target among certain people because of what he is, or my job position.

1st child: "Mum, why are you asking me these questions? Don't you know them yourself?"

The question here is how do you know something that I never told anyone else about.

Me: "Well, after the parent-teacher meeting, I have been thinking about your teacher's advice of skipping grades, or transfer you to an another school for smart children such as yourself, but I don't know if you are fine with that, especially being separated from your friends. Although, the schools in question are close enough to not have the need to move house. It doesn't have to be soon: we can do it from the following school year."

He seemed to be staring blankly at me for a moment after I talked. It has been a while since I had a one-on-one conversation with him. Also, he and my other children grew up in this house.

1st child: "Well... Maybe I'll think about it first. Although, I do find the things taught in school is something I already know and are too easy. I don't know what grade my knowledge level is equal to, so is there some kind of an exam or something to measure it? As for friends, I do have some, but not really close enough to go out together."

I was surprised at how he said that: he spoke with vocabulary that only middle school students or older would usually be able to use naturally.

Me: "I will search for past exam papers for fourth grade and higher and see if you can do it. Maybe high school and college papers if necessary. I suspect that you might have inherited my memories, as I never told anyone about that flat tire while I was traveling in America, but you described that in detail."

1st child: "Huh? Didn't you show me a video of it before? It seems so clear and detailed from your point of view."

That can't be right.

Me: "Um, I did not record any of the events you mentioned."

1st child: "Huh? You didn't? Then what was I... Wait, I have your memories?! How is this possible? But I don't know anything about what you do after I was born."

I would like to say something like "Hatsuya modified me in a way that also affects the children I give birth to", but I guess it's better not to say that. After all, it's not like I even know of such things until long after I have given birth to two children. It's like they wanted the work invested in me to be passed to my children, but doesn't want ME, the subject in question, to know about it until it has already happened as they believe that I won't produce children and/or kill myself if I did.

Since they are already born and almost grown up, parent-child bonding, the society, and the law, wouldn't let me kill my children, and they really took advantage of "what will happen to my children when I die" situation that would also prevent me from committing suicide. Especially the parent-child bonding part.

Me: "I don't know why myself. I guess its because you are my child after all and inherited things from me. My wild guess is that your mental age could be the same as me. Anything else?"

1st child: "Yeah, thanks for talking to me and the thought of not wanting me being separated from my friends. Well, since you said I could skip grades, maybe I would try that first before transferring schools. If primary school is too easy for me, are there other schools for me?"

Me: "I don't know for sure, but I have heard of a 10-year old attending universities."

I'm reluctant to say that as I want to see my children in high school as teenagers.

1st child: "Okay, thanks mum. Oh, and one more thing: Saeko told me about the curse preventing you from knowing what gender I am. You are seeing me and ***** (name of 2nd child) as nothing more than a ghostly presence that feels like you and dad combined that is hard for you to look and hear, which is worsening as we get older as our bodies develop what Saeko calls "gender differences" and the differences would become greater."

Saeko, what on earth have you been teaching my children with? Well, that is partly my fault for dumping my responsibility of raising my children to her.

Me: "Did she say anything about solving it?"

1st child: "Something about it being effective if I'm not mentally prepared for it. She didn't go into detail about that other than you having to talk to her. Although, it does answer my frustration of why you are treating me like a ***** and giving ***** clothes for *****. I guess it doesn't matter now as males are mysteriously becoming young females rapidly. Just look at what happened to our grandfathers and great-grandparents."

My dad has been turned into a teenage girl recently as he is above 40, but mum remain unchanged as the age that would happen to females is 80. Since dad is female now, he would become a young girl again when he turns 80 (120 if you count from the year he was born) years old. That means nobody dies of old age as no one could become old to begin with. More girls means more children could be produced, but with declining number of males necessary to make females pregnant, that it's harder for that to be possible. Although, the time it takes for a male to generate "the fertilizer" is just a few hours, compared to a woman's pregnancy time of almost the whole wear. The technology already exists for females to have children without males should they have difficulty, but the child resulting from this method is always female as the genes necessary to produce males are completely absent.

Being a scientist, and as a female myself, it's kind of sad to see more and more females on the street at the cost of fewer and fewer men. Also, what's so great about the female gender? Actually, it's the default gender for us humans when we were simply eggs in the mother's womb. Males are somewhat like a mutated version of the female human that is crafted to meet the needs of the female counterpart, including having increased toughness and strength for defending the females, and body size so that girls could hold on to them. That largely explains why males have nipples, and they can still feel arousal if you touch the area of skin were, on females, is where pee comes out from.

Females are "pure" humans (eg. not be turned into males), they naturally have longer lifespan. Rapidly changing emotions is an another annoying feature that I'm aware of, but can't stop it. If I'm wearing a skirt, and if the toilets have washlets in it, I don't even need to touch my private parts during my entire time in the toilet. A woman can get aroused easily from being touched as their skin is more sensitive than males. I don't want to get aroused unnecessarily by my own hand every time I use the toilet. If all this happens to my body, imagine everyone else experiencing the same thing, and the shock from males who had been turned into females that are not used to the body.

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帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.