Haruka's Diary
Chasing After Rainbows: Living away from my family

11 October 2008

Living away from my family

I have been more and more recently wanting to live away from my family lately as our differences increases to the point that I would start to hate the decisions they make and do things my way without caring about what they would think about it. With me all alone at home most of the time and very little interaction with them since I started primary school anyway, whether they are even around won't make a difference to me. When I ask a question on something, they would either be clueless, say it in a negative/one-sided view, or would drag in irreverent/biased traditional/religious/racial things in.

Some of the main reasons why I am not moving out yet is that I have very little time to find the time to work, and I am therefore heavily rely on my parents for things like traveling, education, food, mobile phone, everything except what I want. Well, they do give me some money mainly for the above, but the amount I get in a month is very miserable: an amount I would earn if I were to work part time at a fast food restaurant for half a week. (Come to think of it, it is that little) At the current situation, each passing day is like hell. When was the last time I actually feel happy deep inside and was hugged? I was made fun of in primary school and never had a friend I would be happy with before. Sure there are people who are friendly to me, but I never see them after school. Even more unlikely to ever see them after graduating or even changing classes. Sure, you might see me smilling, but I'm still unhappy deep inside. It's been so long that nothing really excites me these days. Sometimes, I do things a certain way (which may be complicated or not-so-obvious) because I may not be happy with certain things or want someone to get my message.

If one day, I were to get a place of my own, it would fill with stuff the way I want it to. If my parents were to visit me to give me something traditional or religious, regardless of where they got it or how far they traveled, I would chuck it out of my house as it would most likely be something I don't like anyway.

With rising prices everewhere, I should cut back on my expenses, indirectly ask them for more (cold hard) cash, and hopefully find time to work without affecting my studies, which I am already struggling with. Maybe what I'm studying is not of my liking.

Nowadays, you would rarely see me saying stuff about my daily life and more about stuff like anime. If I did, it would be indirect or was a long time ago. I actually had thoughts of suicide, but if I had not seen the light of the world outside after going though so much darkness about 2 years ago, who knows what could have happened. Heck, I even feel like crying a lot as I type this, but somehow I can't.

Okay, enough of the negative things and move on. After all, it's my future, not theirs. No point hanging on to the past.

It's like my life has started in 2006, even though I was born 15 years earlier.

1 comment:

acerola >_o said...

Don't you think you've been swimming the wrong way all these while? Try going the other direction perhaps?

Life is a perpetually flowing river, with plunges, meanders and the likes.

-Don't stop swimming
-Don't swim the wrong way
-Whatever happens, swim
-The river will always lead somewhere, going against the current will lead to nowhere.

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帰国子女 英語能力は堪能。趣味はアニメや漫画やプログラムコードを編集。通常、あたしの小説を英語で書いてです。Grew up abroad &travelled to different countries. I write my own fictional novel on my blog.